Monday, October 31, 2005Tired. . . I'm so tired. . .
I am so quiet. . . i look so sad. . . my emotions are written on my face. . . why. . ? Sometimes i just isolate myself in a corner. . . people thought i am dao. . . no. . i just want to get some peace. . . i wasn't in a present mood. . . and that's how i deal with it. . . i admit wasn't those kinda of people who hide my emotions. . . but even so. . . i'm a guy. . . i can't cry. . . i like to sit quietly in a corner, with music that i like accompanying me. . and think. . . the feeling is good. . . it's like a form of treatment. . . and things look better for me after that. . . Nevertheless, i don't deny it will be better having someone to talk to will be better, but i guess. . . few are willing and able to enter my world. . . i admit that my kinda of attitude and behaviour hasn't been very welcome. . . so i didn't dare to seek anyone's understanding. . .
i'm really trying to curb my temper. . . i guess i have somehow succeeded. . . but it's been really difficult especially at these times. . . you don't get enough sleep. . . you feel tired and naturally you get irritated easily. . . the more you try to curb your temper, you worst you feel. . . sometimes actually letting out is better, but the consequences will be the same. . . Imagine i threw my temper today at my Dad who had threw my shoe away without my knowledge. . . i guess this day would have been spoilt. . . i wouldn't feel happy either. . .
Anyway, today wasn't any present day. . . i wore a torn shoe to school unknowingly. . . the sole came off halfway of the journey there. . . i was left in embarrassment as i guess i have been walking throughout this journey having the broken sole dangling about without knowing. . . the people who saw might have been laughing in their heart and saying 'who the hell is this guy wearing a broken shoe around'. . . i ended tearing out the whole piece of sole and left it in the bus. . . I've this feeling that the rest of my day isn't gonna be very good. . . i was on my way back just now when i was almost flattened by the lift door. . . fortunately the door was fitted with a contact sensor, if not i wouldn't be here blogging. . . Not gonna say anymore. . . i will have to fulfil my duty of studying now at hougang point. . .
Friday, October 28, 2005I'm not gonna care whether my points are fair, my stands are clear, my views are correct or whatsoever. . . But i'm gonna be highly critical. . . I'm just back at home and i'm feeling pissed. . . It's ridiculous but i'm pissed because i almost screwed all the questions for the last few parts i'm doing on the VJC paper 2. . . Not because i didn't know how to do, may be because i'm tired but i blame it on those idiots who were sitting besides. . .
Everything was rather fine before this groups of kids came. . . I guess they are some school dropouts, some creatures from some parts of Singapore where the uncivilised and barbarics lived. . . Kids. . . i call them. . . They are mostly just about 4 years younger and they are behaving like one. . . There we were studying, and there they are making so much commotions. . . I wouldn't have wanted to bother about them if i could. . . But these people are talking so loudly, in the most vulgar language, criticising on people, discussing about their hooligan stories, showing off how brave they are in doing 'Ah Beng stuns'. . . Childish man. . These people has not yet see the world. . . Come on man. . . Go take a walk outside more often and you will see what real gangsters are like. . . Oh my god, these kids really don't know how to spell the word 'shame'. . . Worse still. . This gang of creatures include some 'girls' too. . . If you had studies GP you will know what putting a word in inverted commas would mean. . . Girls they are. . . physically they are. . . they have what that makes a girls. . . But i really thought god might have made a mistake in making them girls. . . They don't behave like one at all. . . And frankly speaking, the girls there were making commotions that were far more irritating than those males. . . Words don't come out from their foul mouths but vulgarities do. . . They are real bitch man. . . To call them bitch is more than an insult to a dog. . They are creating a horrible din and turning the place upside down. . . Listening them bark is a pain to the ear. . . This people shouldn't be existing in this world. . . They are a waste of resources. . . being so inconsiderate and uncivilised baskets. . . And damn. . . Their parents should teach them too. . . what the hell is these people doing there at this time. . ? If exams are over then get to some place to have fun. . . kindly fuck off from areas where people are having a hard time studying and preparing from their examinations. . . if they want to dine there then kindly finish their food and fuck off. . . If they want to be hooligan please kindly scram to some arcade or lan shops, don't show off these mickey mouse shit that they are doing, and make a fool in front of everyone by conveying the message that they are some uncivilised and barbaric youngster who does not know anything about discipline. . . If they are really capable then go out and fight a name for themselves as a hooligan, maybe that i will still show you some respect. . . if not come on, i won't give a damn to these childish kids who have nothing better to do, except for trying to attract attentions by playing some outdated chinese songs from their phones all the time. . . And seriously i felt ashame that i am a listener of chinese songs because these people are listening to the same type of music. . . And fuck may i curse them that if they were not school dropouts, they will fail every exam that they take from this moment onward, and their future will be as dark as shit. . . stay and be crew in Macdonald forever, if they happen to come across me as a customer, better show me some respect or i will make their lives like hell. . .
Fiery mood. . . bear with me for my vulgar. . .
Thursday, October 27, 2005Bonjour. . .!
Chemistry practical is just over. . ! I'm not celebrating. . . but it's a another load off my mind. . . and slow. . . more and more load will be put down as the day comes. . . Just slightly more than a week to come and i will be sittiing for my Math A level paper. . . and subsequent papers to come. . . Oh. . . Can you imagine how fast that's gonna be. . . ? All these days to come are really moments of suffering. . . Days you can't live one day without studying. . . even as i'm blogging now i will have to make up to it by studying at night. . . the thought just can't get off my mind. . . while you are slacking, plenty others who are competing with you in the same exam are mugging their lives out. . ! Stress to think but fact it is. . .
Anyway, today's paper wasn't that bad. . . at least i knew i didn't screw it up. . . i manage reasonably, finishing on time. . . But shouldn't think so much now, practical is just a small part of the whole exam. . . with all the practicals over, the key is to focus on the main papers now. . .
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
All the thoughts on mugging. . . 14days to go. . . I'm a mugger. . .! I'm mugging. . . I Love to mug. . . I want to go triple As. . . I want to be top student. . . I want to go NUS. . . I HAVE THE MUGGER's SPIRIT. .
Happens to catch a debate between parties on the topic on channel 8 yesterday night. . . blogging. . . And wow, they actually invited one blogger who've got 100000 visitors to her blog each day. . . I just wander what's so interesting about her blog that attracted so many. . . She's looks ordinary, just another trendy hip woman on the street in fact. . . Expectedly, she was firm on her stand to blogging. . . to protect the blogger's spirit. . . Oh what the heck, i'm blogging and i didn't even know what's that. . . She stated it as something like "to be honest in the words, to have no secret and to write what your mind think". . . Which means you have to write out what your world is, with no secret at all. . . I thought this is ridiculous. . . I wouldn't do so. . . Obviously, my purpose to blog is to improve my language, to aid my GP. . . And i guess many others blog because that's the trend. . . Who the hell actually be totally frank and honest in putting his/her life in words onto a public domain. . . Everyone of us has certain secrets that he/she only wants to share with certain trusted friends or not wanting to share at all. . . I bet the person who created this crap can't fulfil the criteria himself/herself too. . .
Next, the woman on the show claim that a blogger has no need to cater to the audience. . . And when she was asked that her blog may bring bad influence to young, instead of feeling apologetic, she unrependently argued that if that is the case, then the guardians/teachers should educate the kids themselves not to read her blog. . . This is nonsense. . . Isn't that shirking responsibility. . ? A blog in my opinion should be still consider a private page even though it's available for viewership for everyone. . . In fact, i thought there shouldn't be any massive publicity so as to attract people to view the page. . People who do so are those really deprived of love from friends, families etc etc. . . And what these people need is not a blog, they need a counsellor. . . Back to the topic, i feel since she acknowledge that she has a large audience, she should consider the content of her blog page. . . If she wanted to make comments that can bring negative impact to the readers' mindset, then go private. . .
Lastly, she brought up the example if a blogger writing about pornography who attracted a large audience. . . Arguing that if he was to stop writing such contents, he will lose his audience, but these audience will go to another similar page. . . Her point is that the issue lies on the audience. . since the audience likes to read pornography, then telling the blogger to stop blogging pornography content will only make him lose his audience but not stop the audience from reading pornography. . . Obviously, she is right here. . . But don't you think it's because everybody think her way, that one fewer does not makes a different, that such a trend cannot be solved at its root. . ? Hence, i strongly disagree with the points make by this 'defensive party' of blogging. . .
Friday, October 21, 2005Ouch. . ! A marvellous sensation of pain on the entire of my shoulder. . . Satanic. . . ! Can't believe i'm using some words to describe it. . . Must have been mixing too much with Zixiang and influenced by him. . . Oops. . !
Anyway. . . The effect of yesterday's gym training -the pain today. . .
But it was an eye-opener. . . Made me realised that i am so weak. . . I don't desire bulging muscle like those god-liked creatures i saw in the gym, but well. . . just cannot afford to be so weak. . . Going into army soon and i will be sure deem to suffer if i do not train up. . . Counting down. . . 2months, i got 2 months to train up my strength. . .
Luckily for myself, i still have my calves muscles to shield me from shame, if not i would be totally a weakling. . . !
Thursday, October 20, 2005Been feeling so screwed up recently that i didn't know what to do. . . I didn't know the cause, nor can i identify the reason. . . but one thing for sure. . . it's not a good feeling at all. . . Worsening the situation, my memory seems to be failing. . . I felt i kept losing things, and tend to forget things easy. . . I can be leaving something at a place at this moment and forget where i left it the next second. . . Frustrating. . . Perhaps i really need a good good rest. . . This week has been hectic. . . It's supposed to be the end of school since last week and yet we have to report to school everyday. . . I haven't discover whether this is gonna be good or bad, but i only see myself feeling so tired and wear out. . .
Wednesday, October 19, 2005They said it's going to be easy. . . I thought it will be easy. . . Everybody believed it's easy. . . And the truth. .? No. . it's not. . . Perhaps it's my fault, i shouldn't have take the words for granted, nothing is easy in a National examination. . . Today's physics practical was horribly done. . . it's over. . . don't look at it anymore. . . All thought must be on the need to do doubly well for the rest of the papers to redeem this mishap. . . This goes to everyone. . . I guess i'm not the only one feeling such despair after finishing the physics practical. . . It's not over. . . Heed the advice. . .
Saturday, October 15, 2005It's already saturday. . . Two days have passed since graduation that day. . . Have been trying to keep myself busy mugging. . . I guess i haven't reach it the mugging stage but soon. . . Intensive studying will take place eventually. . . Zixiang's words yesterday just made me felt so nervous. . . He said "while you are slacking at this time, Sally and Liyun are mugging their lives out. . . while you are sleeping this moment, people in other colleges are working their lives out to get an A. . " Motivation. . !!! Or no. . it's a form of pressure and stress. . . I just learnt from my physics 5 years series that stress=pressure=force/area. . . Such words from zixiang and such facts from the reality that others are mugging as if there's no tomorrow is as though applying an imaginary force on the small tiny little area of mine. . . resulting in an extreme stress or pressure. . .
And here's a new. . . I will be enlisted to Tekong on 7 Jan 2006. . . I certainly do not know how to react to the piece of new. . . It came as a surprise. . . I didn't expect to be so fast. . . I thought it will be april. . . I have got lotsa of things to plan to do after my A level and it look like i am gonna put all these aside until 2 years later after i completed the national service. . . However, there's one thing i hope to do and hope to happen before i become an official tekong boy. . . Ask me what's that. . no. . it's a secret. . .
Anyway. . . that day on graduation day. . . Could have ended off perfect if not for one incident. . . Felt really guilty for not being able to help much. . . Especially after seeing the disappointment and despair on his face. . . Just hope he won't be too discouraged after this. . . For your info. . identity of 'his and he' is confidential. . . don't ask me who for those who do not know. .
Nevertheless. . . Went around taking photo with each of my classmates, odac peers etc etc. . . A little secret here. . . I got a flower for her that day. . We took a photograph today but sadly, i thought i look really suck inside. . . But anyway, i hope that could really bring her some luck and that she can perform well for the examinations. . . Jia you worz. . !
I don't think i will be able to blog too frequently nowadays. . . Must really work extremely hard and mug as though there's no tomorrow like others this time. . !
Wednesday, October 12, 2005Got back my result slip today. . . with every reason i thought i should be happy. . after realising i had managed to obtain a D for physics. . . but i'm not. . . My maths. . .! There it shows. . . a C. . What. . ?! I had got 52 for paper 1 and 70 for paper 2. . . and adding together dividing by 2 to give the overall. . i should be scoring 61. . . a B. .! I don't deny i am seriously pissed by this misprinting or whatsoever initially. . . that could have spoiled my top 100 target this time. .! and i guess it did. . . I got to clarified with Mr Quek later and i found out that he had actually got my paper 2's mark with yi yang's mixed out. . . He suggested making the changes for me but by the time i had convinced myself that that is fate. . . I wasn't fated to have my name in the top 100 list. . . that's all. . Nevertheless. . . This isn't important after all. . . I swear i shall make a mark for myself in the A level. . . Not even top 50 will satisfy me. . .
Tomorrow is our graduation day. . . and i suddenly have lotsa of thoughts. . . Remembering the first day i step onto SRJC soil. . . My first thought was to get my name off the namelist in SRJC and get back to NYJC as soon as possible. . . Then, SRJC was the last junior college that i will want to be in. . . I tried means and ways to get out of the college. . . Getting my first three months civics tutor and my then soccer teacher to recommend me back. . . Writing letter to the principal to urge her to accept me. . . I recalled having even going down to Meridian jc to appeal. . . When finally i realised i had to stay in SRJC, i kept having thoughts that this was going to be the worst days of my life. . . But not only it didn't. . . it has been a happy and enjoyable jc days. . . certainly not did i regret that i am here. . i felt i was lucky to be here. . . in fact. . I guessed i spent one of my happiest moment in life here. . . Here. . . I have a great class. . 2s13. . . They were a bunch of fun-loving fellows, a bunch of terrific people, peers, classmates. . . They were my first motivation to lead my life happily in the school. . . Then, i've got a fantastic CCA. . . ODAC. . . I may have only been showing my enthusiasm and exerting my presence this year, but it was here where i had know great friends, great people, great personalities. . . Not forgetting the many activities i had involved, getting to know more people, having lotsa funs, experiences which were so unforgetable. . . OCIP, Chingay 2005, JC 1 camp 2005 etc. . . SRJC has given me countless amount of memories. . As far as i am concern, the time here has been a fruitful and successful one. . . What can i still ask for in a college like this which had built in me so many beautiful memories. .?
Here. . . i sincerely like to thank everyone who had created such beautiful memories during all these time in SRJC. . . My beloved classmates, ODAC peers and others. . . Thanks. . .
Monday, October 10, 2005This week will be short. . . Just another day of official school day and we will be off on our own. . . Think about it, it has really been fast. . . One week later, we will be having the first A level practical examination. . . Physics. . . I hope i can do. . . just as well as i had did for this prelim or even better. . . Physics practical has always been my weak spot, i certainly wish the prelim's performance wasn't due to some sort of luck. . or they call it, guanyinma. . . Even if it is. . . let it continue this time. . .
Anyway today. . . Photo-taking session. . . Was a good time out there enjoying. . . I didn't know taking photographs can be so fun . . . and tiring too. . . Oh man. . . Spent a great deal of time thinking of strategy and formations just to have a nice shot. . . Now i realised the hardship of a cameraman. . . Amusing. . . i thought. . . maybe because we won't professional enough, our 'tactics' all ended up in the drain. . . as well. . . the ideas we adopted didn't got us the best shot. . . instead, ironically. . . the best shot was taken when we just took our natural positions without following any particular order. . . Nevertheless, i thought the process was quite fun. . . or funny. . . especially the first one. . . where all the guys had to lie on the field grass in a circle. . . the sun was so bright that all of us could hardly open our eyes. . and worst. . . the bugs were playing menace on our bodies. . . sending discomforts and itchs. . . What an experience. . . !
A personal reflection: Actually. . . I just felt many things. . . problems i mean. . . we faced were often caused by our own actions. . . Many times people refused to accept the fact that they are in the wrong and tends to blame their actions on somebody, something etc. . . My point here is. . . have you reflected on yourself before making/having such unfounded thoughts. .? If you have had an argument/misunderstanding with somebody, had you thought of what you had did beforehand that had triggered the argument/misunderstanding. . ? Most people won't. . because i won't, but at least i am learning and trying. . . It's better to have friends than foes, it's not worth losing someone/ creating enmities because of some peanuts issues. . Perhaps in some cases, the problem really do not lie on us, but to push the entire blame on him/she/it could only well makes you no different from the wrongdoer. . . Most importantly, one must practise magnanimity. . . I may not have reach such a level, but i believe someone who is magnanimous will definitely live as a happier person with less conflicts in life. . . So. . reflect and think about it. . .
Sunday, October 09, 2005Another week's gone. . . and it's another step towards the final. . . Thinking about the things i did over this weekend. . . Nothing much constructive. . . I reflected on myself and came to this conclusion -"men spent half of their lives sleeping, day-dreaming. . . one third of their lives playing and only left with one-sixth of their time doing things that are useful and beneficial. . . "-zhicai 2005(copyright). . . Reason why i said so was because that was what i felt i was doing over this weekend. . . Guilty. . . I'm not gonna achieve what i want at this rate. . . The sight of intensive, aggressive muggers from other colleges and perhaps those from my class strike fear in me. . . I wander if i am able to score fantastic results at the way i am working, they will be scoring results that are beyond god-like. . . Just imagine myself scoring As. . . and these people will well be scoring A star star. . . Scary. . . I must really put my words to action, to push myself to work as hard as them. . . . Yes. . . I empathise, put my words to action. . .! Mug Mug Mug. . !
Friday, October 07, 2005I'm so tired. . . Less than 1 months to go and this will only be the start of a period of intensive mugging. . . Really hope A level will be over soon, i can frankly that i do not like the feeling of studying this way at all. . . It's a painful process. . . . Haiz. . . But well, my career, my future, my fate all lies on this time, no matter what i must do what i can do make it through. . . I just hope now that i can continue to tell myself that nothing should occupy my mind except studying. . .
I had already spent a fortune on getting books, papers to do and definitely, these must not be wasted. . . Must do well for A level or i'm doomed. . .! So, work hard work hard work hard. . !
By the way, i just knew that i will have to wait till next january before i can have my braces remove. . . It was certainly a disappointment as i had thought that i could have it taken off before the graduation night, but now. . . all my hopes are crashed. . .
Anyway. . . May not be able to blog so frequently as before. . . My internet connection is giving me mood swings nowadays and i can't seem to identify the problem. . . Well, it may be a signal to tell me to stop going online and concentrate on studying, so i got no intention of fixing the problem for the moment. . .
Wednesday, October 05, 2005I'm delighted. . . A pass for my GP is enough to draw a conclusion to this preliminary examination. . . Even if i haven't been able to do very well, at the very least, i passed all subjects. . . I guess this is the best that i could ask for this time. . . Nevertheless. . . continue to work very hard. . . There is no room for any complacency. . . With effort, determination and hard work, a place in the course of my choice in NTU or NUS will definitely soon to come. . !
Tuesday, October 04, 2005I wasn't bribe or something, but seriously, i suddenly felt Mrs Kok was really sincere in caring and encouraging us. . . Perhaps she wasn't those sort of capable and impressive principals who will go all out for results like the one they have in MJC. . . However, i really can't deny that she has did a lot to show her care and concern for everyone. . . The prawn crackers she gave us on last week's children day, the shirt we received during college's day, the apple we got during last college day and many which i couldn't recall. . . Along with these, she made cards, bookmarks etc etc to encourage us to work hard for so many occasions. . . There are more than 1500 students in the school and imagine having to work long hours just to produce them. . . with the heart of pushing on a bunch of helpless people like us. . . it will be a tedious job for someone with no work to do and family to look after, let alone a principal who has a family and plenty to settle. . . So i thought maybe i have been a bastard for failing to appreciate all these. . . Many has been focusing too much on the results side and turned a blind eyea on what she had did for us. . . as someone who cares. . . It wasn't anybody's fault to have such mentality, it's the society that has been placing too much empathise on academic excellence and forgotten the importance of humanity. . . "No results means the one leading the school is not good. . ." I disagree to a large extent that this is true. . . and i add on that SRJC may not be the best in terms of academic excellence but certainly, it's a school filled with love and care for each others. . .
Monday, October 03, 2005Maybe i was just prepared to accept anything, maybe i was just putting up a front or maybe i had resigned to my fate. . . When i saw i have not done well for my chemistry, i didn't show the depressed, disillusioned kinda look. . . Chemistry paper 1 was a pathetic E, i witnessed a whole straight row of crosses. . . A look of disgust was clearly written on my face. . . i won't hesitate to throw away the result sheet into the trash bin if not for the sake of doing corrections for the paper. . . That was a shame. . Though paper 2 won me back some pride by scoring a C, it didn't help any much in pulling me to any higher overall grade. . . What can i still say. . .? I studied the hardest for Chemistry and yet i received the highest disappointment for it. . . Ironic. . .
Anyway, just another piece of result. . . I failed my essay. . . just as expected and just as Ms Goh had hinted. . Nevertheless, i really wanna thanks Ms Goh for showing so much faith in me. . . Frankly speaking, for an obvious 'china' person like me, english and GP has always been my greatest weakness. . . However, instead of empathising on my weakness in the language, she made me felt as though it was my forte. . . Whether was it because she hasn't saw my weakness in the subject or she had misunderstood my capability, it had really increased my confident in the subject. . So. . . No matter what i am deeply grateful. . .
Saturday, October 01, 2005
My Schedule this weekend
Whole of Sunday- Study. !
Things to study/do. . .
Chemistry - MJC paper 3, re-do SRJC prelim paper 3Physics - Redo SRJC paper 2, Prelim paper 3(other college)
Prelim was a mess. . . It's time to move away from its shadow and look forward to A level. . . The final lap- success will only come when you work hard. . . So. . All the way. . . Go for the As. . .!
1.罗志祥 - 搞笑
Name: Chen Zhicai (Call me Keith!)
Hangouts: K box, K pool
Sometimes, what you want in life may not be what you will achieve in life. Sometimes, what you want in life will change as you came to realise of your limitations and constraints.
Team: Full-time v3 player
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