Sunday, July 30, 2006Came back from my riding lesson, feeling frustrated and disappointed. . . If learning to ride need talent, then i guess i should admit that i've none at all. . . Lesson 5's over, and i'm still here, stucked at lesson 1. . .
I didn't do that badly actually, in fact, i felt i've done rather well today, especially towards the end of the lesson, somehow i thought the instructor didn't notice or they are just biased. . .
I stumbled at the beginning, my riding was wobbly and got my engine stall stalled quite a number of time. . . but i woke up later on, my riding improved and i have greater confident with my bike. . . All the while i was hoping the instructor would noticed and pick me out for the cornering lesson, and eventually they didn't. . . I hate this, i've did enough and good enough to progress and yet they are not paying attention to me at all. . At this rate that it's going, i guess i will have to be mentally prepared to apply for a course extension. . .
Saw chelsea at the driving centre just now. . . She's still the same. . . as pretty as ever. . . and this is the first time i've praised her, i just realised. . . University starting next week, and she's going to science. . . Though i felt it's kinda waste with her kinda grades, but there's no doubt that this course suited her the best. . . Always so good in physics and chemistry in jc. . . and this's the second time i've praised her. . . Full of praises for someone i've not seem for so long. . . haha. . . anyway, all the best for her new life in uni. . . and hope she would not forget her good old jc class. . .
This week has been hectic. . . Even though i managed to escape the COC parade, i was still lined up with things to do. . . 2 x 100 hours servicing for the vehicles. . . Such major servicings are the last thing you wanna do and yet we were called to do, not one but two. . . Only one belongs to us and because we were not involved in parade, we have to help our fellow recce troopers with their vehicle. . . And then tuesday, i have a guard duty. . . on the first day of the seventh month. . . People were talking about possible ghost encounter at dark places of the prowling route and the guard commanders scared us with his warnings to tell us to be careful and remain calm upon any sighting. . . I won't be afraid if they haven't said any of this, and hearing these kinda made me trembled a bit as i prowled through certain remote areas in the camp. . . It's scary enough just having to prowl through these places with that kinda idea set in your mind, and yet my prowling prowler, some guy from AJ wanted even to find for ghost. . . I managed to convince him to change his mind luckily. . . i wasn't prepare to see anything that day. . I survived this guard duty and hoped there won't be any more guard duty for me on this two seventh month period. . .
With this guard duty, i have to go through the entire week lacking of sleep. . . The NDP preview required us to be there on friday night for some marshalling job and thus, depriving me further of sleep. . . There were hardly any proper rest time and the preview yesterday was a full day of hard labour. . .
I'm tired. .! Even with yesterday night's rest, i still wasn't enough to replenish my tired mind. . . I'm praying to fall sick tomorrow so that i can get some status to excuse for any activities coming up. . .
Friday, July 21, 2006I cried. . . For once. . . For so long. . . I burst into tears. . . And if they say a man's tear is precious, they would have worth a million. . .
As we entered the gas chamber, we were made to divide evenly among ourselves to the two sides of the room. . . Standing at each allocated position, it felt as though death was awaiting, and i could clearly understood how the jews must have felt when they were sent into the execution room by the Nazis. . . The toxic gas environment sets in as pallets of white coloured pills were burned under bunsen flame and immediately we knew the next moment will not be anything good. . .
But first, to shag us physically, each of us had to carry on 5 sets of different exercises. . . Then, came the finale. . . One by one, we were order to have our protective mask removed as the man with red arm band proceed down the line. . .
I was the seventh guy in the row. . . My legs trembled in fear as i saw my friends, my compatriates, going down one after another. . . Silently i prayed, for god to give me some power. . . Soon, it was my turn. . . Plucking out all the courage that i ever had for the past 19 years, i bravely took out my mask and awaits my destiny. . . For the first couple of minutes i stood firmly, determined not to go down so easily like the rest. . . Just as i thought that i'm gonna managed to survive the ordeal, the next few moments became something i would never forget. . . Within the next minute, the toxic suddenly took effect and i was finding myself in a great deal of suffering. . . I could feel myself choking in burning gases, my nose and eyes were burning as though large concentration of medical oil were applied on them. . . Tears and mucus flowed out in tremendous quantity. . . Unable to hold on any longer, i rushed out of the room just like the rest and began coughing unstoppedly. . . Luckily, the tremors did not last long and the uncomfort was relieved withing minutes. .
So. . . that was my experience with tear gas in one of our chemical defence course. . . Quite unforgetable and to a certain degree, fun too. . .
I would say i will never wanna fight in a chemical warfare. . . It was like what the. . . Wearing the moop 4 and fight under conditions like what we have in Singapore. . ? By the way, moop 4 is a chemical defence suit which is extremely thick and hot to wear. . . You will not die under enemy fire or chemical poisoning with this, but i guess most likely you will die of heat stroke before even you can reach your enemy. . .
Rejoice!! For i've finally been able to clear my SOC. . . I shouldn't say finally because it's only the second time i'm taking the test, but somehow i feel the test has took too long to come. . . Anyway, i'm glad that i've cleared my SOC and wouldn't have to take it again for a very long time. . . Every moment while doing SOC was hell, and i will never wanna take it another time if i have a choice, just too bad that you have to take another time during your second year in army. . . but that will be quite some time to go, no point thinking about it now. . For now, i've cleared it in 8minutes and 53seconds, a fair result and i'm satisfied enough. . .
This was supposed to be a long weekend for me, no ndp rehearsal and a time to finally put your hair down, sleep and relax. . But as usual, SAF is a dynamic organisation, a last minute recall for us to go back for ndp rehearsal on saturday. . . And again, there goes my saturday. . . It pissed me off, because i've planned for my weekend and now, this thing came in and destroyed it. . . what should i say. .? They took away our weekend and replaced us with off on a week day, what's the point. .? I mean as in everyone will be studying, working, in camp during the weekdays and the only thing seemed that you can do is to sleep at home. . . and i regard sleeping at home as a waste of off days, yet for the past few weeks i've been doing so all the way. . . Frustrating isn't it. .? The time that you are free, others will be busy, and the time that you are busy, others are busy. . . I guess now the thing that they should replace us with after taking our weekend away is not only off for ourselves, but for our fellow friends too, so that they can be free to go out with us too. . .
Sunday, July 16, 2006Ndp burned the entire of my saturday. . . well done. . .
I was there, at the kallang national stadium, doing fatigue work, short named 'sk' for the whole day and well, it's damn shag. . .
All thanks to this ndp. . . well done again. . . i missed a chance to gather with some of my good old classmate. . . It's been so long since i last saw them. . . yes and somehow i missed them. . . the girls. . . Guys i could say we met up quite often and i have no lack of opportunity in seeing them. . . but well. . the girls. . . my good old girl friends in 2s13, how are you getting along. . ? School's starting soon, and time will unravels a new journey, a new adventure to them. . . May this be a truly enjoyable journey that they gonna embark on. . .
Back to ndp again. . . today was the national education show. . . lotsa kids, lotsa them there. . . Adorable, vibrant and lovely they are, they just reminded me of how good it is to remain as a kid. . . Some of these kids are just so lovely. . . i was marshalling the buses to the stadium and some of them will wave to me as they passed by. . . I waved back and all of them will continue waving, smiling and giggling away. . .
Delightful, looked at their innocent smiles and naturally it just touch your heart. . . Magical. . Kids are so special. . .
For once again in ndp, i seemed ugly Singaporeans again. . . They are volunteers, adults. . . Yet these people wouldn't accede to our request to let the kids board the buses first. . . I found it extremely hilarious and comical. . . They proclaimed themselves as volunteers and well, what had they did. . ? All i saw was them argueing their way to ensure that they got up the buses before others. . . I was looking at them while they were argueing with one of the guards commander to board the bus first before they were first in the queue, laughing secretly in my heart. . . How funny! Volunteer fighting over to board the first bus back home. . ? Are they really here to help out or simply just cheating their way to watch a preview using 'voluntary work' as an excuse. . ?
Adults. . . the buses were actually meant for the school children and they should have all the priority to board first. . . i wander how on earth can they be heartless to take away the first bus and caused the kids to delay their time back home. . .? I'm laughing in my heart at how contradicting these 'volunteers' are and sighing at how unconsiderate they are. . .
Monday, July 10, 2006My appeals were both rejected. . . for ntu and nus. . . am i really destined for FASS. . . ?
All of a sudden. . . my future look so dim. . . i didn't wanna go to arts and social sciences. . . but it can't seem that i have any choice now. . .
I'm at one of lowest point in my life now. . . Whatever i do and it seems, nothing goes right for me. . . I practically feel i'm good at nothing. . . Once they said, i'm good at studying. . . and now, looked what i've got. . . arts and social sciences. . . A B C C6, i thought it was pretty good, and then what? It just appeared as though my grades can barely make it to university. . . Good at studying. .? Think twice again. . .
They said i'm good at soccer. . . No. . i guess i just sucks at the game. . . Looking back at yesterday's match where i played for Tat ming's team. . . They lost 1-0, all thanks to my error that conceded the only goal. . . Look back again at how i failed to prevent my company from losing the title they should have defended. . . soccer. .? it's not my forte. . .
What else am i good at. . ? I could bring out no more. . . But definitely, i can easily bring out more than 10 things that i sucks with. . .
Chee Yong say i seems to be always feeling so depressed when i booked out. . . Maybe so. . . You came out of camp, and realised you got alot more things to be troubled with. . . perhaps army has been an escape from all the problems i faced in life. . . back in camp, the only few things that i'm concern of is training, clear my ippt and soc etc. . . it's all physical. . . but back as a civilian, i got so many things to take care of. . . to pave the path for my future. . . It wasn't exactly that the whole process brings only miseries. . . it just that i see more of the depressing part than what was worth to be happy about. . .
Saturday, July 08, 2006I simply can't hide my disappointment. . . We lost 1-0, lost the match, the final. . . lost the title. . . I gave what i could. . . but it wasn't good enough. . . So much expectation on myself. . . a former school team player. . . so eager to prove myself to everyone. . .
I have every reason to be upset with my performance. . . I didn't feel i have perform up to standard and i have been just 'too lousy'. . . I haven't convince others that i am good and i haven't made others take the eyes off poh yi feng. . . All the while they have been talking about ah poh as he's call when it comes to soccer, and i wanted my name to be imprinted in their mind too. . .
I don't deny that i took pride in my ability in soccer. . . I wanna hear applaud and praises from the audience to tell me that i've played well. . . And i thought i managed to do that. . . in the first match. . . Somehow, i save the match with a block off the line which enable them to win the match 1-0 eventually. . It appears to be a coincidence block as one of the platoon sergeant who know nuts about soccer claimed. . . but we know clearly it takes something to be at the right place at the right time to make saves like this. . . anyway, until the first match, i was pretty pleased with how things were going for me. . .
With some luck, we managed to snap up a wild card to enter directly into the final. . . It was then, a turning point. . . We got many chances on goal but obviously lady luck wasn't on our side this time. . . A twist of fate, we found ourselves one goal down after 3/4 of the time played. . . I felt responsible. . . It was scored from my side and yet i could do nothing to prevent the goal . . . We have to settle for second place and i could see all the effort that i had put in action gone with this. . . In the end, i did not impress and i didn't receive any credit, poh yi feng was still their no.1 soccer player in the company. . .
Second place. . . second place seems the furthest i can get in whatever competition i've played. . . Last year soccer inter-house, this year battalion's game. . . When will i get my first. .?
I haven't kept my promise to myself. . . and i'm suffering from the bitterness now. . . My intention wasn't like this. . . Mailed the tickets and disappear, that was what i should have done. . . I should not have went to see her at all. . . Didn't i said to disappear from her world is the best thing for both of us. .? And now, it makes me feel very depressed. . .
I couldn't control myself. . . The thoughts that she will be coming made me so eager to go and see her. . . I did, but what's the point. . .? We gonna part and not meet again for another long time. . . Even until after the show was over, i couldn't find the excuse to see her once more. . . Seeing her once more and parting for so long, it not good feeling. . . The more i see her, the more i felt i missed and wanna see her another time. . .
I like to walk when i'm feeling upset. . . As i walk, thoughts just flew into my mind and i can think about alot of things. . . This time, i took a 15 minutes walk from kallang stadium to the bus stop where i took a bus home. . .
I'm inferior. . . Maybe i'm not good enough. . . I look at others, so many good looking guys on the street, with ranks in army, our serval pc. . . sense of humour and outspoken, tay thiam sin. . . so many so many other guys better than me. . . why should she choose me. .?
Trememdous sadness, and i was starting to hate myself for loving her so much. . . I love her and yet there's very limited things to do. . . I wish she know how i really feel, i wish she know that i feel so saddened everytime we part. . . And suddenly i wish she tell me, she will never ever fall in love with me. . . i don't want sympathy love, if it's not love then i rather not have anything. . .
Indulged in sadness once more. . . give me peace, for i wanna be deep in thoughts. . . i wanna be quiet, i wanna go through this in silent. . .
Thursday, July 06, 2006Frustrated. . . Extremely furious. . . and yet there's nothing you can do to him. . . I wouldn't hesitate to go to him and give him a tight slap 6 months ago. . .
Who say army teach you nothing. . . ? Now i see that at least army taught us to control our temper, to shake at the consequences you face before you dare to flare up. . .
It all happen because of this useless lad. . . Me, along with my platoon sergeant was doing marshalling at the entrance of the VIP carpark during the recent national day parade rehearsal. . . We were tasked to ensure smooth traffic flow at the junction as well as the main road and only allow vehicles to enter if they possess the required pass. . . And this private, or perhaps even a bloody recruit, gave us big problem when he came in his father white mazda, stopping and alighting at the centre of the junction. . . This was surely a traffic hazard and obviously my platoon sergeant wasn't too happy with what he witnessed. . . He confronted the damned recruit as he came out from the car and wanted to tell him off. . . Yet this guy don't appear to give a damn as he ignored my platoon sergeant and continued his way. . I was shocked at this initially, how dare a bloody recruit behave in this way in front of my platoon sergeant. . with 5 stripes on his rank. . anyway. . my platoon sergeant ordered him to stop and had a talk with him. . . He was asked to explain about his rude behaviour and simply he answered. . . I don't like the army and i hate military personnels. . . Finished his words and continued his way. . . I was expecting platoon sergeant to do something to do fucking spoiled brat when then, out stepped his father from the car. . . As expected, he was there to protect his grown up boy. . . Platoon sergeant can only tone down and explain his stand as he let the useless ass go eventually. . .
5 stripes on his rank. . . yet he had to tolerate such nonsense from a bloody recruit. . . I can only feel sympathy for my ps. . . He's really a respectful guy and don't deserve such shit. . . I'm pissed with what i've seen but i can't do anything too. . . We, army personnels, are the smallest creatures on earth. . . We have got officers and civilians above us and any shit from them, we just have to take it and go, there's no chance for you argue or fight for. .
I hate the army too. . . I don't want to serve national service too. . . But can you say no. . ? That bloody recruit was really pussy, a sissy or whatsoever. . . What's the point of giving such attitude when you still have to serve no matter what. . . It's only 2 years and let's just serve and fuck off. . Nobody will wanna serve if given a chance, but no one is making it as though the whole world owe him something because of this. . . If he's so rich and if he's feeling that he is a big shot because he is rich and his filthy rich father can help him get away like this after making such brainless remarks and showing such rude behaviour all the time, then i hope some day he will be proved wrong. . Let the father see his son in detention barrack, or may some officer just give him the lesson he needed. . . Such person should be given a taste of what army is like. . .
Ever wonder why Singapore is known as a fine country. . .? Because most people don't listen to words, they just see money. . . During the marshalling, i came across so many people who refused to follow our instructions and attempt to enter the carpark or cause traffic hazards. . . We were simply doing our jobs and yet we were sometimes made to go through verbal thrashings by the public. . . These people are the one that made lives difficult for us. . . We were faced with the dilemma of dealing with the public and orders from our superiors. . . It's a stressful job. . . You risked yourself getting fucked in the ass by your superior if you don't perform the duty well. . . And then, it's dangerous too. . . Often, i had to resort to going to the centre of the road to help control traffic and there were a few times when the vehicles didn't stop as i signalled for them to do so. . . I forgotten how many close shave i've went through. . . It's a risky business. . . but i can say i enjoyed it, maybe because it's new kinda experience. . . especially while having to control and direct traffic, it's like having a sense of authority. . . haha. . .
I'm back this time. . . feeling confident to clear my soc. . . 9.04 minutes. . . That's what i clocked during my recent trial test. . . It was a morale boosting result and i was looking forward to clearing my soc on the next coming test. . . A testament of my training effort. . . I'm continuing to train hard. . . as long as i haven't clear my soc and ippt, i will continue with such mentality. . . It's the priority that you gotta have in army. . . once you cleared these two, everything will be easy. . . so, everything aside, my target is to clear these two tests as soon as i can. . .
Saturday, July 01, 2006Bowen military band lost. . . We were all disappointed and shared the sadness that all bowenians must have felt. . .
Don't take it too hard. . . It's just life. . . The good one don't always win. . . And though results really matters, i guess this time round, we should look more into the process instead. . . They trained well, put up a good show, everyone enjoyed it and that's an achievement. . . I'm sure all the bowenians will share the same sentiment that the bowen band had did a marvellous job and no doubt be the winner in our heart. . .
Fact to mention, i seriously don't think either of the other two bands deserve their title. . . Whether is it the top band or the best drum major. . . Our band and drum major can match every single bit of what they are capable with our simple and low budget performance. . . We may not have the kinda extravagant gimmicks like tkss or expert trained flag dancers like deyi, but our high standard performance still prove to be something. . . The only things that maybe lacking is perhaps, the quality of their marching. . . With most of the judges coming from military background, this may prove to be fatal to the chances of winning. . . But anyway, it's over. . . I'm certain that we will be back in two years' time for the title again. . .
It's like a deja vu. . . All along these few weeks i've been sensing that i may one day forgotten to switch off the master switch after servicing my vehicle. . . Hence, i've been extra careful in order not to let this be a reality. . .
Yet as much as i tried to be caution, it appears to be part of my destiny. . . A slip of my mind and these i realised. . . the battery is flat. . . It need not much of an explanation. . . i look at the master switch. . . it's on. . . clearly it is, that i have not switch off the master switch after wednesday's servicing. . . I curse myself for my carelessness. . . i was not prepared to sign any extra because of this too. . . With fear and devastation, i reported to my platoon sergeant, understanding my possible fate to come. . .
Count myself lucky. . . as it didn't turn out what it is. . . I didn't sign any extra, not even was i given a stern reprimand. . . With a comforting smile on his face, he simply told me to change the battery myself on the next coming working day. . . It's too good to be true, such that i didn't believe this. . . i didn't know why, but somehow or rather, i still feel kinda worried that he will change his decision to let the matter rest like this. . .
A 9.2minutes 2.4km run. . . A personal record. . . but what did i got in the end. . ? A pass for IPPT. .? Chin-ups. . . I did 7. . . i did 8. . . i could even have did 9. . . yet i can't hide my frustration when sergeant loke only took the first 7 into account. . . I firmly believe that i've got my chin above the bar for my last two, but he just disallowed it. . . not understanding how much they meant to me at all. . . It cost me silver, a morale booster. . . ! I may not have the means to obtain a gold award now, but at least a silver will serve as a kinda indication of the effort that i had put in training all along. . . Yes. . i've train hard to far. . but i really need this kinda results to tell me that i'm making progress and motivates me to carry on. . . A pass is really something below my expectation. . .
Nevertheless, i was proud with myself that i didn't let this drag me down. . . While i was deeply demoralised with my chin-up's result, i was ever determined to put in my best for the rest of the station. . . I did enough to secure gold for other station, including a personal best of 9.2 minutes for 2.4km. . .
Something to rejoyce in the mist of such depressing time at last. . .!
1.罗志祥 - 搞笑
Name: Chen Zhicai (Call me Keith!)
Hangouts: K box, K pool
Sometimes, what you want in life may not be what you will achieve in life. Sometimes, what you want in life will change as you came to realise of your limitations and constraints.
Team: Full-time v3 player
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