Saturday, September 29, 2007Back from the usual court soccer just now, i suddenly have the urge to blog this down, perhaps to share with someone, or everyone. . .
I was having my cool down rest in the living room, having came home with a heated body after the game. . . My dad was watching tv on the sofa. . i stood leaning my weight on the wooden frame of the sofa and then, we became engaged in a conversation. . .
He started off telling me something that i didn't actually know about my sister. . . that she was now dating somebody. . . it wasn't a surprise, for i had noticed her courtship mood for some time then. . .
it wouldn't be an issue worth mentioning if the guy isn't a christian. . . being a buddhist, which all the five of us in the family are, my dad was kinda concerned that about this courtship. . . he worried that the relationship wouldn't last long because of the difference in belief. . . even if they happen to get married and have children, there may be possible conflicts arising due to this. . . it was something worth thinking about, since my sister is now 29, an age where most other girls had already rang the wedding bells. . .
i tried to ease my dad's worries. . . and i tried to prove my point, that religion shouldn't be a case a worry in a relationship, what matters is the character of the other party. . . what the point of being with someone who smokes, beat up his parents, or do all sorta stuffs that normal beings won't see eye to eye even if he is a buddhist. . . i'm sure a nice christian fella will be a million times a better choice. . .
i can see that he got my point, but still, this wasn't the only thing that bothered him. . .
he didn't say it, yet i can feel that he is upset that my sister seemed ever so busy that she don't spend any much time at home with the family. . .
my dad is a stubborn guy, someone with quite a nasty temper, someone who is hard on the outside but soft in the inside. . . he told me that if my sister get married in future, he won't ask of her to come back to visit him or whatsoever, he said he don't need it. . . he continued telling me more. . . all the negative thoughts that he has about himself and my sister. . .
i tried to explain for my sister. . . that at her age, i'm sure that she is seeking the life that she wants, when she found it she will return to us. . but my dad didn't accept, of course, given his kinda temper. . yet i felt he actually will listen to my words. . till this age, i guess i have the maturity to say things that an adult will find meaningful. . .
to be honest, i was quite heartbroken when i realised that he have actually such low faith in sis, or maybe even me and brother. . . i added saying, that me and my brother, no matter what we did, where we are, there will always be this thing called filial piety in our heart, that we won't let our parents down. . . it was quite amazing that i will actually say it. . . for i will never say such things to my dad in the past. . perhaps as you grow older, you know that certain things if you never say, it can never be felt. . . i wanted to give him the assurance that me and my brother will never forget about the responsibility that we have in our parents anywhere anyhow. . .
perhaps we have our own life now, perhaps we have our own different dividual responsibilities. . . one thing can never be forgotten, that is filial piety. . . never forget how your parent give you this life, brought you up and give you what you have now. .
i know that he is happy to hear my words. . . even though as usual, he's hard on the outside. . . for a man at his fifties, who had gone through so much, you have just got so used to not showing your weaker side to others that you had totally lost the ability to show your true self in front of people you love and trust. . .
Thursday, September 20, 2007the bus seemed to be travelling so slowly. . . i just can't wait to be flying back home and to be somewhere quiet, where i can face all these alone. . .
perhaps now it is not so intense any more, but still i really don't want to be conscious about what had really happened. .
i never felt like this before. . . it was worse, far worse than all the failures i had experienced before, how could this be happening to me. . .
hopelessly useless. . . why am i so fucking useless. . . it seems no matter how hard i tried, i still ended up failing. . . why must it be this way. . . i really want my license. . . !! i desperately want. . !
i can't restrict this agony and pain from devouting my entire soul. . . it hurts more than any physical injuries i had sustained before. . .
hui juan who was with me, got her license this time round. . . it was like a double blow. . . like i'm suddenly left alone, to continue walking this tedious journey. . . i wish this isn't true. . .
defeat again. . . it wasn't because of my determination that i'm still trying. . . but with all that i had already put in, there was never another option for me other than continue trying. . . 5 times, 6 times or even 10 times, i will continue to try. . . but how many more times of this kinda of devastation can i withstand before i go berserk. . . i don't know, it's just painful to me. . .
nothing seems to make me feel better. . . the agony, i could still feel it destroying my spirit inside. . . maybe i should just sleep, wake up and forget that this had happened. . .
till 1 nov, the next test.
Sunday, September 16, 2007As the weeks go, it seems that they are getting from bad to worse. . .
Busy enough it is, worse it got when it became a bad one. . .
It was not a typical bad week. . .
It all begun on monday. . . the beginning. . .
it was the first few guard duty after the dave teo incident, and definitely a bad timing to be doing it. . he made the already devastated lives of all the nsf doing duties more miserable. . i curse and swear at the existent of such idiot who did such a brainless thing. .
everything became stringent. . we were inspected by our bos before reporting for guard mounting later on. . . he was nice fella, i thought before that. . he complained that most of our rifles are dirty, but he didn't sound or look like he is going to make a big fuss over that. . .
the guard commander. . after all the tedious drills for guard mounting, where they were some cropped up by the ATI bos, we eventually reported for duty. . our guard commander was someone i had worked with before. . quite a cockster but yet i liked him because he was kinda, slack. .
i was laughing in my heart, i actually thought it will be good life ahead with him. . never did i imagined this cockster actually shed his old colours and became a hateful personnel of all 15 of us there. . .
he turned us out 4 times, made us practise the turning out drills repeatedly and even went to the extent of knocking some of them down. . .
the ATI bos. . he gave us a friendly impression during the guard mounting. . it turned out to be a false one. . a few words to describe him. . . garang, irritating and disgusting. . . he went over to the guard house late at night just to turn us out and threatened to give us no peace over the night. . then, he went round the prowl route on his nissan cefiro to check on the prowlers. . and during one of this occasion, he caught me and daniel for side slinging the rifle. . i thought he was just gonna give us a telling off at that moment, instead, he wanted to report to the guard commander that he had caught us and sorta expect him to give us punishment. . .
we were thinking how many extras were we be signing if this goes to csm, and i was thinking throughout how to find excuses to avoid this. . . to our relief, the guard commander didn't make much of a fuss over the incident. .
with that, we thought we have survived the ordeal and finished the terrible duty with a peace of mind. . .
it was until the csm lecture on some security thingy later on tuesday that we realised that we had received 1 extra duty from rsm. . . the matter of dirty weapons was reported to rsm and that was what he rewarded us. . great job by the bos, he was such a rule abiding first sergeant. .
the bad week continues from there. . . my vehicle was luckily chosen for LRI inspection, and then ETO. . . had to slog hard all the way to get all the things done. . . then, got arrowed by csm quite a number of times. . . scolded me for things i never do, pinpointed me for this and that. . .
Life in camp itself was bad. . every single day doing vehicle, everyday area cleaning, stand-by area. . . every morning row call hearing csm shouting either at somebody or at the company. . . then even rsm came to stir us on tuesday and threatened a stand-by company. . .
i'm seriously quite pissed off with all these. . gonna ord soon and they didn't seem to be making life any easier for us. . . the new CO made all these, a garang bastard. . . he even created the joke of giving 3 extras to a man. . .
it only triggered my dislike of SAF regulars with what it happened in yesterday's combat shoot. . . the pioneer saw gunners were made to draw their sar21 rifles so that the HQ asses and CO can shoot. . . what the hell was that, can't they draw their own HQ rifles for the shoot themselves. . ? as i saw csm getting all the guns and arranged them nicely on the table like a buffet spread, it was a spectacular turn off. . what great service was that. . coming to the range at 5pm, they did the last day shoot and first nice shoot. . pretty good time management huh. . . last to come, first to leave. . . when it actually rain while they were still out on the happen doing the nice shoot, i was cheering and laughing in my heart. . . 8 more weeks, i will not need to give a damn to these people who are a major disgust in my life. . .
Sunday, September 09, 2007It hasn't been an easy week. . . absolutely tiring. . . if not for the coc parade and acct grading, life would have been easier. . . but at last. . . they are over. . . past my 2months to ord and one step closer to ord. . . vincent had already got his pink ic, proudly showed off to me his return to freedom with an sms that said,"ord lo!". . . oh!! when's my turn. .!!
Throughout the entire 5 days in camp, we gone through rehearsal after rehearsal, and practise after practise to prepare for the actual parade as well as the ACCT grading. . . They all went well without a hiccup, despite all the worries beforehand. . .
I was in the front row of the marching contingent, horrible experience. . especially during the rehearsals where the RSM was shouting at anyone who screwed the slightest thing up. . . standing at the centre of the parade square in the front row of the contingent, i was really worried that i will become the next to get screwed. . . my drills could hardly make it. . . and i have to count myself lucky not to have that happened. . . instead, csm was the one who came to me and correct my mistakes every too often. . plenty to be relieved about, he wasn't those who give you the hell of a scolding. . just patiently remind and jokingly tells me off. .
in the end. the parade went off smoothly and at last, all the preparations over the weeks for that have been over. . .
Then, with that, thursday and friday became our intensive ACCT revision and the actual grading. . i didn't want to take it too seriously initially, trying to slack my way through instead. . it wasn't until the mock grading where i realised i have to memorise all the techniques taught before i made a joke out of myself by screwing up the test. . .
even though all the while i had dismissed the importance of the ACCT grading, thinking that it is easy to pass etc. . when the actual test came, i can't help but felt really nervous. . . i got joey as my partner, didn't seem to be any good new at first. . when we had our first and only practise together, he was so stiff that i wasn't able to do the moves and throw him on the ground. . . complaining all the way about having to do acct and that he wasn't able to do the moves, i had to admit that i was pretty worried that he will more likely to screw me up rather than i screwed the test up myself. . .
luckily somehow he managed to buck up and i managed to calm my nerve to perform the techniques 'to perfection'. . . i wasn't going for distinction so perfect to me just mean it's the best that i can do. . anyway. . going into the sparring next, see yong was my opponent. . weighing 75kg, with a nickname of king kong, i took him on, and nearly died in his hands. . . straight from the start of the 2minute spar time, he was pounding on my head with the "bolster-like thing"(i have no idea what's that call). . it was a bulky item to carry to hit your opponent and i was having some problem attacking him with it. . nevertheless, i showed that i was no push over by relying on my kicks. . . it missed quite a number of times but when it actually got him, he was telling me about the pain that it had caused after the spar. . .
and guess what, even though this giant nearly made me concussed in quite a few occasions, somehow i managed to make him fell on the mattress for two times. . so proud of it. . . anyhow, it was more like a game actually, damn fun but tiring. .
It was pretty much happening in the platoon this week. . . first, sgt xin li cried because he was so fed up at getting people down to do some work for him after the parade. . . it caused a hoo-ha as pc and later, ps became involved and screwed the platoon for that. .
then, there was a rise of anti-ps sentiments later on. . he came to our bunk suddenly on thursday morning, seeing most of us were sleeping, he ordered for a stand-by area at lunch time. . when he came up again while we were having lunch, he tried to vent his anger by over-turning the rubbish bin and throwing things around to show his displease of the standard. . this sparked off numeral discussions between the platoon about him, with arrows all pointing towards him. . .
clearly he knew that the platoon was against him as he told shanta and justin about that, and things became worse as pc announced that he will leave us for ocs with effect on monday . . all the power goes to him now. . .
personally i don't have any grudge against him, just that sometimes i feel he just control too much. . we are second year soldier going to ord now, he should just close one eye on certain things and let us enjoy the rest of the ns days. . yet obviously he is still trying to make his presence felt by restricting and controlling this and that. . . this way everyone gonna hate him. . .
yesterday went visiting the dairy goat farm and the aeroponic farm with the kids from hips, the volunteer programme i'm in. . . located somewhere near the darned camp i'm in, it was supposed to be an enriching experience for them. . but i guess most of the learning points inside were too difficult for them to understand at their ages, which mostly were below 7. .
it was more like a family outing, since almost all of them had got their parents along, even when this was only allowed at the very last minute. . . with their parents around, my job there became more like a supervisor. . following them and ensuring everyone were well taken care of. . so it was quite relaxed job scope as the programmes got off smoothly with the senior volunteers from other branches taking care of everything. . . anyway, the most important thing is that the kids had enjoyed it and we can have most of such excursion coming. .
so. . back to camp again. . expecting guard duty on monday, route march on wednesday and combat shoot on friday. . . it's the last week we have so many key events in a week i supposed. . after this i will have my offs and subsequently october will have my leaves. . .
what i'm most worried about is tomorrow's guard duty. . didn't feel like doing it. . only 3 of us in the platoon are doing and i guess i will be the one doing the sentry. . then, i will have to fight for the detail sheet so that i don't become the first one. . . the experience last time haven't been nice. . darn. . hope this is the last guard duty. .
Sunday, September 02, 2007My first ever teachers' day present. . . all the while i have been the one giving, never have i thought that i will be at the receiving end. . . really touched and surprised. . .
i didn't really show it all, that i am really grateful and touched, just said a word of 'thank you', with a smile on my face. . . but deep down inside, it's an unexplainable feeling of delight. . . not sure whether if i deserved all these, i'm just only a tutor, one that don't even confirm whether had made a different in their lives. .
I got to know of their results for the recent common test and preliminary examinations today. . . they all did reasonably well. . . the primary four girl got 84% for her english as well as 87% for her math. . . satisfactory enough. . . i had made her did some target settings before that and she actually managed to get somewhere of the 85 marks she had set for both the subjects. . .
for marcus, the primary six boy, he had got some great achievement. . . 99% for maths, top the class for english with 86% and an improvement of 12 marks for chinese, with 76%. . .
i wouldn't dare to claim credit for these, it belongs to their own effort, their natural learning talent and their school teachers. . .
nevertheless, i actually promised to bring them to watch ratatouille if they can do well for their test and exam. . but unfortunately, i realised i wasn't able to fork out the time on weekdays. . . not more off days until 17 september and by that time i doubt there will be any more shows on that. . . so well, i promised to get them the dvds when it's out. . .
When i booked out on friday next week. . i will have completed the ACCT and the COC parade. . and i will be less than 2months to ord. . . one step closer to finishing service. . .
this is my new way of optimism towards booking back to camp now. . . Every minutes in that wretched camp is every minutes towards getting out of it. . .
ACCT grading on friday and coc parade on wednesday. . . hope it's not too hard to get by. . .
1.罗志祥 - 搞笑
Name: Chen Zhicai (Call me Keith!)
Hangouts: K box, K pool
Sometimes, what you want in life may not be what you will achieve in life. Sometimes, what you want in life will change as you came to realise of your limitations and constraints.
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