Saturday, November 29, 2008Football is the only few things in the world where i find myself. . Rong once told me. . i really think so too. .
It's only when playing the game i can forget about every single thing in this world, totally immerse myself and enjoy the game. . Tiring though in the end, i felt relax and ironically, fresher after it. .
It was a pretty good day to play. . a pretty good play in the end. . Somehow the football was beautiful. . i felt we had played quite well. . good passings, good movements, good running into spaces. . nice chances were created, never mind few were converted, never mind that we lost some of the games. . That's how saturday soccer should be!
Was it improvement? Or maybe just because Jia Guang weren't around. .? Alright Jia Guang you opt to see how we play and refrain from shooting the moment the ball goes to you. . If we can play Arsenal's football, then losing counts for nothing. .
Okie. . look forward to next saturday's soccer now. . !
Jerry will be back then. . ! Quoted from reliable source that jerry will be heading back from australia on flight unknown today. . How long was it since we sent it off the other time? Definitely before university had started. . had it been like half a year? When you start counting like this, seeing people leave and return you always feel that time really flies. . Think about then when i sent him off, i was still teaching in bowen, i was still not an akit boy. . Now. . an akit boy, went through the tiring first semester of studio works, went through stressful period of examinations. .
Nevertheless, will be hoping to see him really soon then. .
Exams are over!! Well. . im gonna input anything depressing this time. . not even gonna whine about how badly i will be doing, if not cheryl will be complaining about my blog again. .
I will be happier if i don't think of it. . Right now, i just wanna give myself some breaks. . maybe towards the end of the holiday i will do some readings and upgradings. . yes. . that's the plan. .
Tuesday, November 25, 2008I feel like starting a conversation with my previous post. . A for pf. .? Never speak too early. .
Okie frankly speaking. . I went into the paper with confident. . I did past year papers. . I was able to do. . well. . most. . But till i see the paper. .
Tough. . at least to me. . i don't know about others. . they may find it easy. . i don't care. . It was not those kinda questions i have expected. . not those typical kinda questions that were inside the past year paper. .
Damn it. . okie. . my physics is not pro. . so once they try to twist and turn the question such that they resemble some alien, there i go seeing stars. . .
Don't expect too much. . Im not screwed to that extent though. . A B may more likely be possible than A definitely. . I will be absurdly happy if i have got an A. . really. .
Saturday, November 22, 2008Been mugging for it for more than a week. . and it's over. . relieved. .
I tried not to think about it. . Discussions are always common after the paper. . And i chose not to participate. . though I was already consciously awared that I had been owned by the paper. .
Im not gonna think so much. . im already very tired. . for this entire week i have been solely studying that module, and yet in the end i realised i did not understand what i am studying. . let it be over and done with then. .
But well, im quite motivated to work for my physic module though. . I had scored well for my projects, lab report and assignments so far. . I will just needa continue this in the final exam on tuesday. . I want an A for this, definitely. . and im confident. .
Being a science student for 10 years had only helped me on this, and im gonna just fully make use of it. . . A for pf module. .!
Life has not been enjoyable over this period. . I don't even feel im alive. . it was like back to the days of mugging for A level, even worse than that. . who the hell said university is more relaxed?
Monday, November 10, 2008i have been contributing so much depressive posts in my blog that this has become my sorrow ground. .
but well. . i want this encourage myself this time. . . Aint i such a weird person. .
Ironic. . today is perhaps another low point for me as an architecture student. . yet. . im not entering another emo post. . i must have taken the wrong medicine this morning. .
Seriously. . im really really upset. . because i had tried. . in the end it failed. . and i screwed it all up. . I watched the sympathetic looks on the tutors' faces. . . i could feel they tried to help me. . help me gain some marks to pass. . however, im not that intellectual enough to help myself at that critical moment. .
it may not be a matter of passing any more. . before this i was thinking that i doubt i can pass this module. . but now, so what if i passed? it wouldnt make a different if 99% of the rest passed and im among the lowest of the passes. .
i had reflected and highlighted the reasons for the screwed up. . . at a point i was trememdously depressed, i knew i cant let myself be overwhelmed by this. . . 21 years old, considered an ex-teacher, i will have to demonstrate the character that befit such descriptions. . You fell down, you pick yourself up. . you don't indulge yourself in self-pity and melancholism. .
The unhappiness is almost impossible to get away from it, but at least, i tried to brace myself for the failure. . i reflect and i have got a better idea of what is it about. . . another time, i will be better. .
im still upset. .
Sunday, November 09, 2008Sometimes. . sometimes i really feel really screwed. . i feel so screwed in my academics that i really feel intensely inferior whenever im in studio. . It's the kinda feeling that prevent you from being in the mood of socialising with others. . You just want to be in something that keeps you away from the need of talking to people. .
depression? too stress? after thursday's 7 hours exercise im as though in nobody's land. . i didnt manage to complete my work. . i handed up a piece of drawing with just two diagrams inside. . while others have at least 3 or 4. . or maybe one horrendously good one. . mine. . two what the fuck kinda diagrams. .
Im not gaining any confidence. . im not feeling any confidence. . i had encountered numerous confidence people in my life. . and i really wander what spark the confidence in them. . Confidence people, naturally attractive. . I want to be like that. .
Steve told me, you have to be good in something. . So what the hell am i good at? Soccer? I remembered being very confidence when i play soccer. . I was in the secondary soccer team and the coach thought so highly of me. . i felt good. . people said im good. .
And what the heck now. . i doubt i can even make into the Sheares first team. . i tried so hard in the end i realised i played like some crap shit. .
At this point of time, i really feel so screwed up. . screwed up screwed up screwed up. .
i won't give up akit. . i love akit. . i just hope things to be better. . i want to gain back my confidence. . then i will have the mood for others things. . i believe when only that get better. . better things will come. . but now. .
i am really depress. . .
if god is around. . please help me. .
Monday, November 03, 2008
Is that my work?
I'm proud of it, yet i come i don't seem to feel it is mine?
The moments of seeing it work was fantastic. . delighted, astonished to see it swinging. . I witnessed how it had failed in the previous few times and truly understand how tough is it to get it working. . and then somehow, in front of me, the thing is swinging almost perfectly. . it was amazing. .
In my mind, it was a 'wow'. . i was part of the group who made it possible. . in name only. . as i see it working so beautifully, what came to my mind was that im not the one who got i working, oscar and sean were the men who did out all the calculations and came out with the idea, not me, besides admiring the wonders of it. .
Well. . i know im lousy. . and i accept that. . but im willing to learn. . certain things i cant stand though. . i do not accept the limit of my ability and i don't want them to dedicate the easier tasks to me. . it's an insult to my ego. . not only that. . i will be learning nothing if i just continue to do the easy stuffs. .
that was why i chose to do the exploded axonometric drawings . . that was why i want to say now that i was pissed off with sean when he made several 'sarcastic' remarks during a few occasions. . i didnt fare out, nor am i someone who bear grudges. . i just feel that i don't deserve these simply because im not as 'architectural' inclined as him. .
maybe they are pissed off with me too. .
we got different frequency, we are of different league already. .
I had two of my recent assignments back today. .They were still screwed. . at this point of time i reallly have to pray hard that i don't flung this module. . so far. . zero good work. . zero positive comment. .
tell myself it's ok. . that i will get out of this. . i will be better. . and hopefully so. .
1.罗志祥 - 搞笑
Name: Chen Zhicai (Call me Keith!)
Hangouts: K box, K pool
Sometimes, what you want in life may not be what you will achieve in life. Sometimes, what you want in life will change as you came to realise of your limitations and constraints.
Team: Full-time v3 player
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